Reflecting on the Winds of Change

This time, last year, I was full of hope about a new principal and in a comfortable teaching stead. I knew many of my students that were going to be in my class. Everything was looking up. I was so excited! But, quite frankly, last year was the worst year of my teaching career. It was assessment after assessment, meeting after meeting, trying to meet other teachers' needs, run a successful AVID program all while needing to teach my students structured, rigorous lesson plans preparing toward college and beyond.

OH! Did I mention that I was completing my Master's degree during the first semester. Yeah. Craziness.

As the first semester trudged on, I was so excited about what I was learning in my Practitioner Action Research class, and I was implementing new reading ideals and asking new questions about reading. I was reading myself and writing my Dossier. Just spinning. I really don't think anyone knew how crazy I felt on the inside. But, I seemed to hold it all together. I know, looking back, it was God. He knew how badly I wanted to succeed in my classroom while being in the classroom at UNM. I had absolutely phenomenal professors who were willing to work with me each and every step of the way. Along with my grandma and Drew, they were my cheerleaders. They saw my potential.

 Just like how I could see the potential in my own students in room 503. I was my students' cheerleader. This school year, I feel as though I will have the most impressive gains in my NMSBA results- all because I asked the questions to get them to become engaged readers. Readers who knew they had potential to self-select books and engage with the characters and plot. They began to grapple with text to ration their own meaning and see themselves in their books. Isn't this what the learning is about? Isn't this where the student change happens?

December came and went... My mom came to visit for my graduation. Gram wasn't able to make it. She had nearly-emergency knee replacement surgery. It was only nearly-emergency because she wanted to wait until after my graduation to have it in the first place. That didn't work out. I enjoyed and celebrated this moment. It was the moment I had waited for since I stepped foot on the campus of Edison Community College in 2003. But when the time came, some people who I wanted to join around me were nowhere to be found. These were the people who I had been there when they needed me but when I wanted them there for me, they weren't. I have forgiven them in my heart, because I really don't think they knew how much it hurt me. Their lack of presence. I wanted them to meet my mom, several for the first time. And, they. just. weren't. there.

When you are hurting, the emotions and feelings you want to communicate, you just can't. Or at least, that was where I was. I was missing my dad, what would have been his 53rd birthday was my graduation day. Gram wasn't there. It was the first time she had ever missed a BIG moment in my life. Robbie was being Robbie. He just wasn't there. He was working. But, Momma was there.

Spring came into bloom. The New Mexico wind began to blow. I felt my own winds of change inside me. I knew I wanted something different. To leave the school that shaped me into this. The teacher who teaches teenagers to read and teachers to think different. The leader who creates college dreams in her students and shifts paradigms in her fellow teachers. The person who stands for what she believes in, no matter the wager. I love my school. The memories, the other teachers, the hallways, the spot next to the 400-building where the lunch tent was, the well-protected Tiger in the courtyard. They all mean something to me.

Still, the stir. I kept writing and implementing quality lessons for my students, doing best by them. I worked on refining and growing our AVID program; writing the Site Team agendas, emailing people, checking on the AVID Elective teachers to see if they ever needed anything. I was/am willing to do whatever it took/takes to make AVID at my school the best. But, Site Team meetings would come and go and not an administrator would be present. Still exhausted and recovering from the Fall semester, I began to wear some more. All while the wind was blowing.

Spring Break-- finally some relief, maybe. Not. During all the above, my legs began to ache. Have you ever had a fire-hot poker sticking out your leg? Me either. But that is what I imagine the pain to be like... I knew I had to get it fixed. I had arranged to have surgery on both my legs hoping for relief during Spring Break. Gram came from FL, she had planned anyway, but this gave her purpose. Plus, who wouldn't want their grandma to take care of them after surgery? Surgery happened and Gram went back home. Now, maybe, you think I could just go back to teaching after Spring Break? OF course not. It was time for the NMSBA.

Did you know that teachers are not allowed to sit down at all during the State Testing? If you do, and you are caught, there are consequences for sitting. (Not making this up.) Freshly-operated-on legs with less veins than before, and I had to walk and be on them for four days straight. The pain increased day-by-day. Yikes! Still the winds...

"Heather, you are the only person in the district I want to take this job." What? Huh? I am not that good. Right? Apparently not. There was no way. Nuh-huh. I wasn't going to leave this school that shaped me. I couldn't. I wouldn't. But, then...

"I really want you to be the Literacy Specialist and Academic Coach at the high school." My dream job. In my district. Wha?? No way. Still, I can't leave my school...

May--Teacher Appreciation Week--- I think. This was the week that changed everything. I had never felt so unappreciated in my life. Sure, I got the pencils, Expo markers, chocolate... wee. But, everyone received these presents. Staff meeting. The following words changed my path. "One group stands out amongst the rest. The group works hard and makes their presence know on this campus. (Really? Is she finally going to acknowledge the hard work of the Site Team. I have been waiting for this all school year!) I'd like to thank Ms. _______ for all her hard work in NJHS. What? No. Can't be. My face feels as though it just caught fire. My ears feel like they have relocated to Death Valley while the rest of me is in the library at my school. Three years, I have worked for my AVID students. She wouldn't mean to hurt me like this, right? I sit, I stew. I try to justify these words. I feel the tears- I push them back. I can't cry in front of the other teachers. I would be mortified. I hear the words of the rest of the meeting. But, I don't listen to them. Still the tears. The words on instant replay in my head. None of them subside. I hear something about don't forget to... Enjoy the rest of the afternoon in your classrooms. I gather my things. Still burning. I throw my sunglasses across my face and I cry as I walk across the courtyard. The tears burn as they move down my face. I stifle a sobbing sound in my chest. It hurts. My classroom door. My rescue. It is locked. Fumbling, the keys make it to the lock, it opens. I run to my desk and all the emotions just vomit forward from me. The exhaustion, the fear, the grief, the guilt, the labor, the sweat, the hurt. It comes in the form of sobs, a running nose, blood-shot eyes, a limp torso. I can't even hold my body up. I fall forward to my desk. I can't move. My classroom door opens... I don't even care. It is Michelle. The one who saw everything. My hard work. All my late hours. The stacks of barely graded papers. My proofreader. She held me close. She knew what was going on with me and she understood. She didn't say anything. She was just there. Exactly what I needed.

My brain started to scream, "FIVE MINUTES! You have a Site Team meeting in five minutes.Where is the agenda? The sign-in sheets? The Student Selection paperwork..." I knew I had to get it together. Michelle handed me tissues and my mask went on and the show continued. I believe only a couple actually knew what happened in the room before the meeting. We got our work done and I went home, relieved. Emotions were able to escape my body.

Oh, yeah... That job offer. Thing. After the CSS was submitted, I knew which way the wind was blowing.

I applied. I accepted. I talked. I justified. I am challenged to make the 2014-2015 school year better than last. Even if it is just by a little.

A letter to Pop

11/15/10

Pop,

­­            There are so many things I don’t know if I ever had the chance to tell you. It is hard to believe, because of all the time we spent together. Growing up, you and Daddy were a girl’s dream. I knew that there was nothing that I couldn’t talk to you about. There wasn’t anything too big we couldn’t accomplish or do.

            If there is one word that could define our relationship, it would be love. All of the memories that we made I will forever cherish and tell my children.

            Do you remember…?

·        The countless times we went to the park and you pushed me on a swing?

·        The time you carved my initials in the tree?

·        The countless card and domino games we played? (I wish I had a quarter for each one! It would have paid for college, for sure!)

·        All the times on the lawn mower or the tractor in Kentucky?

·        How it seemed like I never got in trouble with you or Gram?

·        Or how you never told me no?

·        When you brought me a bike when I was only three months old?

·        All the times I worried Gram with my scrapes and bruises and you told me to brush it off and go back to climbing the tree or to get on my bike?

Do you remember…?

·        Taking Robbie to the barber shop for all of his hair cuts?

·        How we shared your tee-shirts when I was little?

·        When I would run at you in your chair and you would pick me up over your head?

·        The time you made me drive the Model A, because you were “done” driving for the day and you and Robbie cracked up the whole way back to the house?

·        How you always accepted people just the way they were?

·        Watching me graduate from high school and college twice?

·        Watching me get married and getting another grandson?

·        Coming to New Mexico and staying at my house?

·        When Drew hung the Christmas lights on Queensway. Gram was terrified that he was going to fall off the roof and you just laughed?

·        All the parades you drove the Model A?

·        Working with Robbie in garage?

There are several things I know for sure. I know that you always loved me, you were always proud of me, you always wanted me to succeed, and you always wanted me to reach the goals that I set for myself. Drew loved you more than anything, you meant the world to him and I know you felt the same way about him. You were a family man. When you hugged someone, that person knew that you loved them. You were a man of God. Above all else, I knew you would be there when I needed you. I know you are the best Pop I could have dreamed of… I love you!

-Heather

11-15-10

What a day so far....

I spent my day in the library with the help of Pam. I am attempting to have the kids make Drug Booklet to allow them to inform themselves and inform their classmates of the risks of drug use. I honestly feel as though a few could careless... a few are already experimenting and telling me more information about certain durgs that I could care to hear about from an eighth grader. One student panicked on me and told me they couldn't complete the research on the drug I assigned to them because their mom is in prison due to the manufacturing of the substance. It is at those times that I feel blessed to have my job, because I can influence their life- but discouraged and overwhelmed as to why a parent would make choices that would so mpact that child's life.

At this moment, my grandpa's memorial service is about to close. I know I shouldn't tear myself up about it, but I really hate not being able to there for it. He was so important to me. The burden of not being there for my grandma and having the support of my family during this time is anguishing. I don't feel as though anyone understands or will take enough time to hear me out. This whole issue is just tough. I am praying, hoping, wishing... and whatever else I can do. I guess I just need to wait for God to work and the trial to pass.