This time, last year, I was full of hope about a new principal and in a comfortable teaching stead. I knew many of my students that were going to be in my class. Everything was looking up. I was so excited! But, quite frankly, last year was the worst year of my teaching career. It was assessment after assessment, meeting after meeting, trying to meet other teachers' needs, run a successful AVID program all while needing to teach my students structured, rigorous lesson plans preparing toward college and beyond.
OH! Did I mention that I was completing my Master's degree during the first semester. Yeah. Craziness.
As the first semester trudged on, I was so excited about what I was learning in my Practitioner Action Research class, and I was implementing new reading ideals and asking new questions about reading. I was reading myself and writing my Dossier. Just spinning. I really don't think anyone knew how crazy I felt on the inside. But, I seemed to hold it all together. I know, looking back, it was God. He knew how badly I wanted to succeed in my classroom while being in the classroom at UNM. I had absolutely phenomenal professors who were willing to work with me each and every step of the way. Along with my grandma and Drew, they were my cheerleaders. They saw my potential.
Just like how I could see the potential in my own students in room 503. I was my students' cheerleader. This school year, I feel as though I will have the most impressive gains in my NMSBA results- all because I asked the questions to get them to become engaged readers. Readers who knew they had potential to self-select books and engage with the characters and plot. They began to grapple with text to ration their own meaning and see themselves in their books. Isn't this what the learning is about? Isn't this where the student change happens?
December came and went... My mom came to visit for my graduation. Gram wasn't able to make it. She had nearly-emergency knee replacement surgery. It was only nearly-emergency because she wanted to wait until after my graduation to have it in the first place. That didn't work out. I enjoyed and celebrated this moment. It was the moment I had waited for since I stepped foot on the campus of Edison Community College in 2003. But when the time came, some people who I wanted to join around me were nowhere to be found. These were the people who I had been there when they needed me but when I wanted them there for me, they weren't. I have forgiven them in my heart, because I really don't think they knew how much it hurt me. Their lack of presence. I wanted them to meet my mom, several for the first time. And, they. just. weren't. there.
When you are hurting, the emotions and feelings you want to communicate, you just can't. Or at least, that was where I was. I was missing my dad, what would have been his 53rd birthday was my graduation day. Gram wasn't there. It was the first time she had ever missed a BIG moment in my life. Robbie was being Robbie. He just wasn't there. He was working. But, Momma was there.
Spring came into bloom. The New Mexico wind began to blow. I felt my own winds of change inside me. I knew I wanted something different. To leave the school that shaped me into this. The teacher who teaches teenagers to read and teachers to think different. The leader who creates college dreams in her students and shifts paradigms in her fellow teachers. The person who stands for what she believes in, no matter the wager. I love my school. The memories, the other teachers, the hallways, the spot next to the 400-building where the lunch tent was, the well-protected Tiger in the courtyard. They all mean something to me.
Still, the stir. I kept writing and implementing quality lessons for my students, doing best by them. I worked on refining and growing our AVID program; writing the Site Team agendas, emailing people, checking on the AVID Elective teachers to see if they ever needed anything. I was/am willing to do whatever it took/takes to make AVID at my school the best. But, Site Team meetings would come and go and not an administrator would be present. Still exhausted and recovering from the Fall semester, I began to wear some more. All while the wind was blowing.
Spring Break-- finally some relief, maybe. Not. During all the above, my legs began to ache. Have you ever had a fire-hot poker sticking out your leg? Me either. But that is what I imagine the pain to be like... I knew I had to get it fixed. I had arranged to have surgery on both my legs hoping for relief during Spring Break. Gram came from FL, she had planned anyway, but this gave her purpose. Plus, who wouldn't want their grandma to take care of them after surgery? Surgery happened and Gram went back home. Now, maybe, you think I could just go back to teaching after Spring Break? OF course not. It was time for the NMSBA.
Did you know that teachers are not allowed to sit down at all during the State Testing? If you do, and you are caught, there are consequences for sitting. (Not making this up.) Freshly-operated-on legs with less veins than before, and I had to walk and be on them for four days straight. The pain increased day-by-day. Yikes! Still the winds...
"Heather, you are the only person in the district I want to take this job." What? Huh? I am not that good. Right? Apparently not. There was no way. Nuh-huh. I wasn't going to leave this school that shaped me. I couldn't. I wouldn't. But, then...
"I really want you to be the Literacy Specialist and Academic Coach at the high school." My dream job. In my district. Wha?? No way. Still, I can't leave my school...
May--Teacher Appreciation Week--- I think. This was the week that changed everything. I had never felt so unappreciated in my life. Sure, I got the pencils, Expo markers, chocolate... wee. But, everyone received these presents. Staff meeting. The following words changed my path. "One group stands out amongst the rest. The group works hard and makes their presence know on this campus. (Really? Is she finally going to acknowledge the hard work of the Site Team. I have been waiting for this all school year!) I'd like to thank Ms. _______ for all her hard work in NJHS. What? No. Can't be. My face feels as though it just caught fire. My ears feel like they have relocated to Death Valley while the rest of me is in the library at my school. Three years, I have worked for my AVID students. She wouldn't mean to hurt me like this, right? I sit, I stew. I try to justify these words. I feel the tears- I push them back. I can't cry in front of the other teachers. I would be mortified. I hear the words of the rest of the meeting. But, I don't listen to them. Still the tears. The words on instant replay in my head. None of them subside. I hear something about don't forget to... Enjoy the rest of the afternoon in your classrooms. I gather my things. Still burning. I throw my sunglasses across my face and I cry as I walk across the courtyard. The tears burn as they move down my face. I stifle a sobbing sound in my chest. It hurts. My classroom door. My rescue. It is locked. Fumbling, the keys make it to the lock, it opens. I run to my desk and all the emotions just vomit forward from me. The exhaustion, the fear, the grief, the guilt, the labor, the sweat, the hurt. It comes in the form of sobs, a running nose, blood-shot eyes, a limp torso. I can't even hold my body up. I fall forward to my desk. I can't move. My classroom door opens... I don't even care. It is Michelle. The one who saw everything. My hard work. All my late hours. The stacks of barely graded papers. My proofreader. She held me close. She knew what was going on with me and she understood. She didn't say anything. She was just there. Exactly what I needed.
My brain started to scream, "FIVE MINUTES! You have a Site Team meeting in five minutes.Where is the agenda? The sign-in sheets? The Student Selection paperwork..." I knew I had to get it together. Michelle handed me tissues and my mask went on and the show continued. I believe only a couple actually knew what happened in the room before the meeting. We got our work done and I went home, relieved. Emotions were able to escape my body.
Oh, yeah... That job offer. Thing. After the CSS was submitted, I knew which way the wind was blowing.
I applied. I accepted. I talked. I justified. I am challenged to make the 2014-2015 school year better than last. Even if it is just by a little.
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